How can you call me after all this time and act like everything is cool?

We were totally dysfunctional. Right? I mean, the police were at our door more than a couple of times. Right? And then there was the drugs and the drinking and the cheating. And the lies.

Back when we first got together I was messing with other girls whenever I felt like it, I'll admit that. But then later I stopped doing it because I was feeling all guilty and thought I loved you. Or maybe I did love you. I can't remember. I know that I for sure do not right now. That I promise you.

I don't know, I guess I'm a hypocrite but it really hurt my feelings when you started fucking my friend. Also that you kept the $2000 bed I bought and now my former friend sleeps in that bed with you in the house we used to live in.

So like it was really weird that you called me last night. How you laughed about something and said, "Oh, I guess we're both just crazy, right?"

I kind of laughed back, but here is what I really wanted to say:

Back in the day during college. Do you remember that girl named Arnette? The one you said wouldn't look you in the eye? Like five foot nuthin with blue eyes and sandy hair. Glasses. Super smart. Bangin body.

Her and I fucked like every day all summer term. You were at our house and she lived with her dude so we had to do it in public. On campus. In the stacks. Empty conference rooms. Unlocked lecture halls. Up against the wall in the student center.

Actually, the time we did it up against the wall was the first time. Her back was to the wall and when I leaned in for the first kiss she immediately put her hands into my shorts and started playing with my dick. This was like at 11 am. Right out in the open. I knew she was game.

Anyway. So that's why that girl wouldn't look at you. Sorry it took me so long to confirm your observation. Please don't call me any more.

Kenna Lolly is my new manager.

You were horrible when we had the same job, Kenna. But you're a girl, a slutty girl, and we all know where that gets someone in a corporation these days. I'm not trying to hate because you're hot and we had our thing, but holy fucking Christ, I can't believe you're fucking around with Dave Darmont. And at work even.

Maybe you think I'm stupid but when his office is completely dark and both of you are in there what am I supposed to think? Other people see, too. You should watch out for Karen. That religious cunt is out to get you. Actually, she's out to get everyone.

Part of me like hates you because you do a terrible job at work but keep getting promoted. Another part of me remembers how much fun I used to have with you. I guess maybe I miss you. Your short little body naked on top of me.

And me with a serious other at home. How dirty was that? She found out later, you know. I told my friend and I guess he told her when they started fucking.

But it doesn't matter. You were way better.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that is not fair that you fucked your way into a hundred g's a year plus all of that stock and I'm still not answering my home phone because of all the bill collectors. I was in the top five percent of our firm last year. Worldwide. You weren't even ranked.

Nothing is ever fair is it? Oppositely, I never had to suck any dicks up in this bitch. I guess you can't say that can you?

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Oh, yeah. I forgot.

Baby, remember that Korean girl you thought was my friend? Fucked her like twenty times. Same for the girl from Spanish class and a lot of the girls we hung-out with. Actually, the list goes on and on. It was because you suck in bed. I hope you're practicing a lot on your new boyfriend. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen again.