How can you call me after all this time and act like everything is cool?

We were totally dysfunctional. Right? I mean, the police were at our door more than a couple of times. Right? And then there was the drugs and the drinking and the cheating. And the lies.

Back when we first got together I was messing with other girls whenever I felt like it, I'll admit that. But then later I stopped doing it because I was feeling all guilty and thought I loved you. Or maybe I did love you. I can't remember. I know that I for sure do not right now. That I promise you.

I don't know, I guess I'm a hypocrite but it really hurt my feelings when you started fucking my friend. Also that you kept the $2000 bed I bought and now my former friend sleeps in that bed with you in the house we used to live in.

So like it was really weird that you called me last night. How you laughed about something and said, "Oh, I guess we're both just crazy, right?"

I kind of laughed back, but here is what I really wanted to say:

Back in the day during college. Do you remember that girl named Arnette? The one you said wouldn't look you in the eye? Like five foot nuthin with blue eyes and sandy hair. Glasses. Super smart. Bangin body.

Her and I fucked like every day all summer term. You were at our house and she lived with her dude so we had to do it in public. On campus. In the stacks. Empty conference rooms. Unlocked lecture halls. Up against the wall in the student center.

Actually, the time we did it up against the wall was the first time. Her back was to the wall and when I leaned in for the first kiss she immediately put her hands into my shorts and started playing with my dick. This was like at 11 am. Right out in the open. I knew she was game.

Anyway. So that's why that girl wouldn't look at you. Sorry it took me so long to confirm your observation. Please don't call me any more.