You realize that you told a bio cancer specialist that she is dumb and you are smart right?

Here's One.

You're fucking stupid. Boring. Annoying. Basically a total pain in the ass. Oh man how I wish I didn't have to see you every day. Talk to you every day. Read your stupid inter-office emails every day.

I hate you. Hate you hate you hate you hate you. I can't believe I spend my life in this pursuit. It makes me so unhappy, barely pays my bills, and of course I have to deal with you.

You and your stuff about you. You whining to the girls in the office. Always going for the pity fuck.

Always thinking you're sly.

You're barely literate ok. You feign friendship with others and then send out stupid little pass-agg memos.

I can't take it any more. I'm so sick of acting like your friend.

The way you two sit around and gossip.

The way you smile in everyone's face.

Oh Jenna

Pulled me into the copy room. I said, "We can get in so much trouble."

You said, "Baby turn out the light. Mostly everyone is gone for the day."

I went right for you. Your hair smelled like shampoo and your neck had some other scent. We kissed fast but we were grabbing. You undid my belt and I took off your panties and pushed your skirt up.

A couple of grinds and I was inside you. You were so light we could fuck standing and facing each other.

Your hair stuck on my lips.

Your breath in my ear as you said, "Don't drop me, baby. Please don't let me fall."

Jenna at work.

It's just that sometimes I think about how nice it would be if we started fucking. Every day I pass your desk and every day you say, "Hi, how are you?"

And every day I smile at you and say, "I'm fine. You?"

And then you say something back.

But the thing is I think we're looking at each other a certain way. Like a way that says, "Hey let's go get a hotel room."

And I know you have a husband and kids but I can tell by the way you tilt your head and raise your eyebrows when you talk to me that you want to fuck.

That's what I think we should do, Jenna.

I think you should suck me off and let me rub my hard dick between your titties.

And I would suck your clit and lick your asshole.

I bet you would taste so nice.

So nice. Oh, Jenna. They say you are a controller. Baby baby come and control me.

This bitch and that bitch.

This bitch and that bitch are not allowed to be friends. This bitch and that bitch must forever stay apart. They will fuck each other or worse become friends. And then they won't pay attention to me anymore.

And that shit simply cannot happen. Meeting through me and then leaving me in the dust will not happen if I can help it. Oh no.

I mean it, bitches. I totally fucking mean it.

No, I get it. You're busting my nuts over a metrics report that you are not trained to interpret.

"No, Legs. This column. On the left. See? 77%."

"Yes. But that column does not apply to my specific performance. It describes the progression of the ENTIRE GROUP from the start of the implementation. I'm over here on the right. 97.43%."

"Well. Why would this column be on here if it didn't have anything to do with you? You are a part of the group, right?"

"Yes. I am. And if you add some other people's 65%'s and 81%'s to my 97.43%, you will most likely find a number that comes out around 77%."

"I'm not going to sit here and add and divide, Legs. That's not what this company pays me to do."

Of course it is not, thinks Legs. It doesn't take a guy with, IDK A MASTER'S DEGREE, to figure this one out. The company pays your short little ass to harass the employees who do a good job and behave and show up and as a result can't be fired. You are employed to induce those employees to quit eventually so that the firm will not have to pay their pensions.

Don't worry. I completely know what your job entails. They pay you to bully people. And what a lovely job you have. And oh, that girl you're fucking now that you're both managers?
Wanna see pictures of her? I have some on my phone. One is of her belly. I think you'd like it.
It's covered in something thick and milky and smells kind of like Clorox sometimes.

How can you call me after all this time and act like everything is cool?

We were totally dysfunctional. Right? I mean, the police were at our door more than a couple of times. Right? And then there was the drugs and the drinking and the cheating. And the lies.

Back when we first got together I was messing with other girls whenever I felt like it, I'll admit that. But then later I stopped doing it because I was feeling all guilty and thought I loved you. Or maybe I did love you. I can't remember. I know that I for sure do not right now. That I promise you.

I don't know, I guess I'm a hypocrite but it really hurt my feelings when you started fucking my friend. Also that you kept the $2000 bed I bought and now my former friend sleeps in that bed with you in the house we used to live in.

So like it was really weird that you called me last night. How you laughed about something and said, "Oh, I guess we're both just crazy, right?"

I kind of laughed back, but here is what I really wanted to say:

Back in the day during college. Do you remember that girl named Arnette? The one you said wouldn't look you in the eye? Like five foot nuthin with blue eyes and sandy hair. Glasses. Super smart. Bangin body.

Her and I fucked like every day all summer term. You were at our house and she lived with her dude so we had to do it in public. On campus. In the stacks. Empty conference rooms. Unlocked lecture halls. Up against the wall in the student center.

Actually, the time we did it up against the wall was the first time. Her back was to the wall and when I leaned in for the first kiss she immediately put her hands into my shorts and started playing with my dick. This was like at 11 am. Right out in the open. I knew she was game.

Anyway. So that's why that girl wouldn't look at you. Sorry it took me so long to confirm your observation. Please don't call me any more.